I'm tired. My house is a disaster, and it's driving me nuts. At night, I'm not as nice of a mom as I should be. I don't want to do anything productive, I just want to sit and be lazy. And honestly, I feel a little lost as to why I'm still in school right now.
It's hard to keep doing something that is so hard, and you keep getting the answer to your prayer - keep going - and yet... you have no idea why. Somewhere deep within me I gain some strength by thinking that I'm bending my will to the Father's. That I'm not giving in to the "natural man" in me that wants to say "ENOUGH!" But nights like tonight, when I'm all alone, I really wonder how strong I am, and how long I'm going to be able to keep back the tide. I feel like I'm the little Dutch boy with his finger in the wall, just hoping that the ocean doesn't come crashing through. He had strength... can I be like him too? Do we all feel like him? Finding ourselves in a spot where it takes some superhuman strength to do what we are asked to do? Oh how I want to be strong. I want to be strong like the women around me who love what they do, and find ways to do what they have to do even better. I understand that no one is perfect, but everyone is strong at something, and their strength gives me courage.
I hope you know, I am talking to you. You, who is reading this. Can I draw from your strength? Can you stay the course just one mare day, so that I can gain courage from your efforts? Because tonight... I am tired.
Sometimes staying the course is the right thing to do, and sometimes the cost to our families is too great. Only you can know which is right for you- no one else can tell you what you ought to do.
ReplyDeleteSending good vibes your way, Kim!! You are more than welcome to the little strength I have.
With 3 kids (2 are babies) I can totally relate... some of the time I am surviving:-) and not much more... but this will pass... different stages, different times of your life. With Sarah in Kindergarten I see that this crazy time will end and these boys will also grow up! but sometimes it is lonely or overwhelming or tiring. I feel like I am never done!
ReplyDeleteso I am trying to enjoy what I do with the boys more, and it is a little easier the second time around. so you're not alone. there are so many of us experiencing similar things... we need to talk about it though:-)